What Lonely Looks Like
This has been an eventful week. Randy presented me with the financial facts of his company. Facts which reveal a financial situation that takes my breath away. In the end, we are liquidating almost our entire savings account to fund operations through the end of the year. He has figured out a way to guarantee we will be paid back. This is good since we’re talking somewhere between $100-200k. I never in my life imagined I’d have that much socked away in savings. I certainly never imagined I’d be in a position to spend it all on a company that is dying. Randy also told me he likely needs to stop drawing a salary beginning in January. Well, damn. Time for him to buckle down and find a job. I feel guilty saying that. What about me? My measly income, to the tune of about $1,000 a month, barely covers the cost of our marriage counseling. It’s not time for me to get a job though. I know this.
After these conversations Randy traveled for work. He got back in time for a meeting with our accountant and then marriage counseling. I suggested dinner but he begged off. I get it. He was tired. We are awkward. So we went home and despite feeling abandoned at some level, I made my attempt at connection and shared a brief reiki session with him. I could tell that it was good for him. I thought that he would want to reciprocate in some form or fashion. Instead, I realized a while later that he’d gone to bed. No good night. No hug. No “I love you.”
This morning I was up before my husband. He really was exhausted. When he got up he pretty much avoided me. He said a perfunctory goodbye, gave me a hug devoid of any warmth and he was out the door. We kept in touch a few times throughout the day via email. Topics included taxes, job search, and his travel schedule. Oh, and the note that told me he didn’t want to spend time with me tonight. He wanted to go to the bar and hang out with guys. He’s in pain. He needs support. Again I get it. But, WTF?! He committed to me that he would be the strong one. But, he dropped 2 money bombshells on me, went out of town, blew off my dinner invitation, didn’t return my attempt at connection, and then made plans on a Friday night? I do not see him being the strong one. I do not see him caring for me at all. I see him trying to be a responsible adult, trying to fix the money problem and trying to find support from his friends. That’s good. I am thankful. BUT, I want him to see that he is doing the exact thing he accuses me of. He is saying the right things but he is showing no compassion. We often complain of the same hurts. Interesting.
And so I find myself alone on a Friday night. Am I drinking wine? Damn straight. But I also spent 45 minutes giving myself reiki. And I spent a couple of hours outdoors in the beautiful sunshine. I talked to my dear sister for an hour. I am loving on me the best I can.
I feel lonely. Would I feel less lonely if I didn’t have a partner? Friday night with no plans sounds better than Friday night with no plans because my husband doesn’t want to see me.
Time to stop the wallowing. The truth is that I am proud of Randy for seeking support and telling the truth. The truth is that I love unexpected
free time when I have no obligations. Writing is cathartic and I have time
tonight to write. Lonely doesn’t have to equal suffering. It causes me to sit with myself, to sit with my discomfort. Maybe it actually speeds up my healing journey. Sign me up.