Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Randy and I decided yesterday that we will file for divorce. I’ve experienced an emotional cocktail that is on par with a triple shot of 100 proof anything since then. We don’t want to get a divorce yet we think it is the right decision. I’ve said over and over that we’re just too f’ing smart. If we were less “awake,” I believe we would be happy as clams with our charmed life.
So if we don’t want a divorce, why are we filing for divorce? Well, one of the sticking points between us is our very different approaches to money. Randy has long felt backed into a corner. He wants to spend more. I want to save more. I have limited him. He wants to be free of constraints. I want Randy to have the freedom he so desires, yet I don’t want to be held responsible for his financial decisions. I want him to go buy that brand new hybrid if that’s what he yearns to do. I just don’t want to be on the hook to pay the mortgage if said new car makes it hard for him to make a payment. So, I love him enough to let him go, and he loves me enough to relieve me of the responsibility.
Where does that leave us? These 2 souls who love each other so deeply? We are committed to loving each other through this. We are committed to doing this our own way. There are those who think we should be COMMITTED but frankly, I don’t give a damn what other people think. We can divorce the same way we have loved and it doesn’t matter if other people get it.
We boarded a plane for Orlando today. For a week. In a shared hotel room.
You read that right.
Yesterday we decided we’d divorce, and today we hopped a plane. Yep, I can hear the doubters. I don’t know if this is the right thing. What if we hurt each other? What if I slip backwards? I’ve lived in my apartment for almost 3 weeks now and I have found such clarity and a decent level of detachment. What if I just add to Randy’s confusion and groundlessness? What if instead of providing a solid place for him to find his footing, I accidentally hurt him? My intentions are good. His intentions are good. We are still best friends and we have missed the deep connection that was us. I believe we both desire that companionship. I know I do.
I woke in the middle of the night completely distraught about our decision and about this trip. As I lay there, I convinced myself that the kindest thing for me to do would be to cancel. Randy tried to cancel yesterday. He said he just wasn’t strong enough to use good judgment or to deflect what might feel like judgment from me. Maybe I should have let it go, but instead I begged him to let me go. I wanted to travel. I wanted time to work on my business plan. I wanted to see my mom. Mostly though, I wanted time with my husband, I mean my soon-to-be-Ex-husband. Eek!
I tossed and turned and finally decided I would use the time for meditation and some reiki. I settled down a bit. I changed my mind and decided the kind thing would be NOT to cancel. He needs something solid to hold on to right now. I know him better than anyone. I can file for divorce and still be his solid rock. Can’t I? That sounds like such an oxymoron.
Wisdom and foolishness are just opposite sides of the same coin. Dear God, I have tossed the coin. Heads I win. Tails he wins. That means we win no matter what.