Our Spiritual Divorce Ceremony: One Week Later
Every time I mention our ceremony, people look at me in one of two ways: like I have lost my mind or like I’m some sort of guru. Sorry to break it to you: I’m neither. Though I’ve often wondered about the losing my mind thing.
When we agreed to have the ceremony, I thought it would be some sort of symbolic thing that would give me something to look back on. And I thought it would help my ex with closure. Never in a million years did I think it would have such an impact on me. That night I roared with pain as I drove home. I let it rip through me until I was exhausted and then I fell into bed, into a deep, deep sleep. When I woke up the next morning I could not believe how light I felt. Seriously! I thought I would have another week of weeping and grieving in front of me. Instead, I felt like a burden had been lifted.
In the days since, I’ve continued to feel that sense of peace and freedom. I am buzzing with energy. My sleep is erratic and my stomach is churning. These are a bit unpleasant, but also good. I feel alive and ready.
And it’s not just an inside change. When I’ve seen friends or talked to them on the phone, they’ve told me I look and sound different. I am lighter. They are right.
I expect more grief work is headed my way. 14 years of marriage doesn’t just end with a 15 minute goodbye. I am sad to admit that there is no such thing as a fairy tale. I am sad that we couldn’t find our way through the reality tale. I am lonely several times a day. I want male companionship.
What I now know is that I am sufficient for the grief. I am sufficient for the sadness. I am sufficient for loneliness. It may suck, but it’s a small price to pay to be able to set down a worn out story.