Easter Morning Mourning
I got up early to go for a run today. I wanted to have a clear head before heading to church. I knew it would be an emotional day for me. I’ve missed my ex more this past week. Several times I wanted to pick up the phone and just check in. We’ve been on a self-imposed break though, so I haven’t reached out.
I walked into the church and caught his eye. We shared a smile and then closed our eyes as the prayer circle began. We sat through meditation and then we hugged. It felt good to connect. He seemed to be a little better this week. That eased my heart.
Our church celebrates Easter in so many touching ways, including a new tradition as of today. Rev. John invited those of us who would like to be christened to join him up front. My journey has been transforming me at the very core so it felt very appropriate to receive the blessing. It was a beautiful ceremony where we were christened with rose petals rather than water. I thought my joy would show up as a huge smile, but instead I stood in front of the packed church with tears rolling down my cheeks. I was a little embarrassed but also incredibly grateful because I belong in this place. And maybe I was a little sad too because my ex did not join me in the christening. It’s the kind of thing we might have done together in the past. I felt his absence.
The other beautiful ritual we include on Easter is a flower service. Everyone picks up a stem at the entry to the sanctuary. Then when it’s time, we all take turns “planting” our stems in several planters placed at the alter. It creates many abundant, diverse, fragrant, colorful bouquets.
This time I asked my ex if he would like to walk up together. He said yes. We walked up together and then planted our flowers, in separate planters, but at the same time. Symbolic for how we’re proceeding I guess. We’re both moving forward. We’re supporting one another. We’re sharing things of beauty. But at the end of the day, we’re investing in separate lives. I am heartbroken but I am also grateful. I made it through another holiday. He’s still by my side, just not in the same way. I am okay.