The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step...and Continues with Thousands of Baby Ste
I reached out to my ex last week and suggested that we sit separately in church today. Yes, I did. I’m still kind of shocked at my adulting! He agreed, and so today was our experiment.
He sat in our “normal” spot. I wanted to give him the comfort of normal. But I also wanted to send myself a signal. A signal that I was choosing to take a step, not that he was leaving me in my usual place, leaving me to lick my wounds.
The outside observer would never have known that we used to be a “we.” I sought him out during the normal 5 minutes of hugging/shaking hands during the service. But the truth is, I kiss most people on the cheek. I hug even more. My hugging and kissing him was the norm, not the anomaly.
I sat at the back of the church with a dear friend and her husband. She didn’t shy away when I reached out to hold her hand. When I pulled my hand back, she put her hand on my back and rubbed it for several minutes. I remembered that this was my choice and that I was going to be alright.
My ex and I had lunch after the service. We have been intentional about most everything, so this was planned too. We caught up. We processed how it felt to sit separately—sad but right. I told him I’m ready to date. Yes! Mike drop on that one! I don’t have any plans, but I wanted to feel the freedom to act. I’m open—and terrified—and okay, excited!
Why is now the right time? Well, it’s been a while and I’ve been totally embracing grief. Hard, but I believe it’s helped me to move through it. Also, I’m in a class at church (remember getting rid of 101 things)? Some of what I’ve learned is that unless I get rid of old beliefs, patterns, possessions, relationships, etc, there cannot be room for the new to move in. Sitting together in church was definitely a sign of holding on to comfort. If I want to entertain the idea of dating, I probably need to learn how to let my ex go first. Hmm. Probably need to let go no matter what. After all, he’s exploring other women...
I think it’s fitting that we talked about baby steps in service today. When a baby is learning to walk, it is a total game changer. A baby step is no small feat. The lil one is going from crawling to walking. Ask any young parent how significant that is! A baby step is a huge step! My baby step today was also a huge step. Today it may not feel like it, but my slight change of direction now will have me in a whole other sphere a year from now.