Gifts From My Younger Self
One of the promises outlined in 12 step recovery says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
That promise has come true for me.
I don’t regret either of my dissolved marriages. I don’t regret my eating disorder and the harmful ways I treated my body. I don’t regret working like a maniac to achieve success.
I don’t wish to shut the door on the painful memories of my first husband’s sex addiction. I don’t wish to shut the door on the shame I felt for being “smart” vs being popular. I don’t wish to shut the door on years of estrangement from family members.
All of it, and I mean all of it, makes me who I am at this exact moment.
This moment when I finally feel the absolute freedom to be me.
This moment when I can appreciate how hard I worked to have a substantial savings account. I don’t have to freak out that my ex stopped paying alimony. Yes, I am looking for additional income, but I am okay. I gave myself that gift.
This moment when I am over the top grateful for my struggles with an eating disorder. Struggles that mean I can help other people who also struggle. I am part coach, part dietitian, part sponsor. I finally see that I have a calling. How could I possibly regret my past or wish to shut the door on it?
This moment when I appreciate the value of authentic connection. I learned that from 2 divorces. I learned that from estrangement. I learned that in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous.
And so I thank the younger me. She gave me wisdom. She gave me confidence. She gave me freedom.
No regrets. No door shutting. Not then. Not now. Not ever again.