The Only Constant is Change
I haven’t been writing as much. If you’re reading this, I guess that goes without saying. I love this blog and it weighs on me that I’m writing less often. I’ve often longed for creative talent and through writing, I’ve found a creative outlet that works for me. And yet, I’m writing less. Several people have asked me about it so I figured it was time to update the story.
Last Jan (2018) when I moved into my own place, I decided to take a year to grieve and heal and grow and play. It was probably the kindest gift I’ve ever given myself. I truly love myself and my life, for the first time in my life.
As I moved through the year, I felt stronger and more confident. I completed my coaching certification and decided to start a coaching practice and grow my ebay business. Within months of that decision, I learned that my financial situation was dramatically different than my ex and I had intended, so I needed to make some changes.
There’s the word: change.
At first I grieved. I didn’t want to give up my independence. I didn’t want to return to Corporate America. I wanted flexibility. I wanted freedom to spend hours at the gym, to meet my minister for 3 hour conversations, to grocery shop while everyone else was at work.
I couldn’t stay in that place of dread though. It wasn’t serving me and it wasn’t making it any easier. Acceptance gradually came, and I began to feel excited. What if I could find a job that didn’t suck the life out of me? Could I possibly look forward to going to work?
That was in September. 6 months later and I have found that job. I am energized. I look forward to work. I am valued. I am making a contribution. I am having fun! But, it means more change. It means less flexibility. It means fewer hours at the gym. It means less time for volunteering at church. It means less time to write.
And so I’m grieving again.
But, here’s what’s different now. I know that’s what it is. I know I’m okay. I know I’m just processing change. I know I can shift priorities. I don’t want to give up the old, but I do want the new, and so I WILL give up the old.
I find that I have given up freedom in some sense but I’ve also found freedom. I am earning enough money to pay my own bills. I am free of the fear that I won’t be able to build a successful business. And, interestingly, I am free of the fear of what it will be like to go back to work.
So, I will continue to write, but it won’t be every single week. Instead, I will be working. Instead, the bulk of my free time will be for relationships. For Colin. For friends. For family.